We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
