My cat gives me a boner
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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