a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
