I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
