I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
