She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
