make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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