DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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