The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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