Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
