Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Less talking, more tequila
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
