It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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