I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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