So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
