He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
