does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
