The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
