Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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