so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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