Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
