there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can vaginas get frostbite?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
