dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
