i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
