i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
