DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
