Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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