I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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