I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
