Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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