I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
