A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
