so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
