i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
