i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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