I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
