it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
