One girl and one boy is just not enough.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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