So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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