Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
