woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
