I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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