They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
