I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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