i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
