I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
