she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
