if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You're like the curious george of whores
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
