toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
