Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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