I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
